Michelle Kash on Heartbreak, “Gravity,” and Finding Her Voice
After remarkably discovering her voice at a meditation retreat, New York-born Michelle Kash rose to the top of the dance charts with her sultry cover of “Personal Jesus.” Now, after a five-year break, the LA-based songstress is back with her lead single, “Gravity,” which she aptly wrote after a chance encounter with Lou Reed.
After one listen, it’s hard to argue that Kash’s smoky, crooning voice is anything but god-given.
KP: Not to be too predictable, but I would feel remiss not to start with your cover of “Personal Jesus,” which hit #4 on the Billboard Dance chart. How did that come to be?
MK: Honestly, it just got in my head one day. I couldn’t get it out! I was just singing it all the time, going about my life. But then it went on for a couple of days, and I thought, “Oh, maybe this is telling me something.” I started to wonder if it would be good in the live set.
KP: If you are aware of it, what drew you to it?
MK: The song felt, to me, like a desperate calling out for a savior – the idea of a savior is what I really connected to. It was so provocative and had this sensual, raw urgency to me. The nature of longing, of sex, of the need within us for someone or something. It felt dreamlike.
Out of curiosity, I looked up if any woman had covered it before, and nothing came up. I reached out to Neil Rambaldi – we had been playing together for a couple of years – and I asked him what he thought for the lead guitar. He sent something over, and I remember just playing it over and over in my kitchen while I was cooking (I rarely ever cook), seeing what resonated in me and what came out naturally. What you hear on the track is what I was singing that night in my kitchen, which is pretty amazing to think about. Music is a phenomenon.
KP: It really is – instant gratification!
There’s a fascinating story behind your career – you discovered your voice at a meditation retreat, which I think is so fascinating. Can you tell us a little bit about that?
MK: Ah! I was so, so, so lost. I really didn’t know what direction my life was going in. I never sang before! I would play piano and guitar, but I genuinely thought that I was tone deaf. I never had a connection to my voice, but I was very spiritual and would meditate for hours. Don’t get me started; I was living on a cloud. I would go on spiritual retreats and had a teacher, who I was sitting with one day, and I said, “I really don’t know what I'm doing with my life. I have no direction.” I felt a total emptiness. I looked for an answer from them, and they said, “I don't know either; let’s just sit in silence with it.” We sat very deeply in silence for about an hour to an hour and a half. At one point, I felt something catch in my throat, so I started to clear my throat and cough. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, and we ended our silence and our time together.
That evening back at my hotel, I started getting this urge to sing, almost like a craving. A craving for these sounds, almost like a need to exercise, or eat, or something. I started making these sounds and tones – I didn't even recognize the sound of my voice. This isn’t an exaggeration – I never heard myself sound like this. I took out my phone and recorded myself. I played it back, and still, I didn’t recognize myself. I sounded so different. There was this beautiful, unique tone that this girl was singing – that I was listening to – and it was me? I started singing, rearranging songs, and harmonizing. I mean, these are things I had never done before. It was a complete mindfuck. I didn’t tell a soul. I just thought, “This is insane; who would even believe me? Am I imagining this? Am I crazy?” The questions were rampant.
I’m a terrible insomniac, even now, and I would stay up recording myself, playing, and being in overall shock. I never thought it would become my career, my life. I didn’t know what I thought – my mind was blown. I remember the first person I ever sang in front of, Marcy Jellison. She was a holistic voice teacher – I found her name off of Google in the middle of the night. I mean, I thought I would die when I sang in front of her, but she was so lovely and supportive.
Aretha Franklin was my number one artist at the time – especially her gospel music – and I thought, “Okay, well if I suddenly do have this spontaneous gift, the only thing that I would want to do is to sing gospel.” So I – also in the middle of the night – found auditions for a gospel choir for Expansion Church, who ended up being my community for so long before they shut their doors. I auditioned and… I got in? I mean, I was in shock. I know I keep saying this, but I definitely had an identity crisis around this. Singing with the choir gave me an invaluable education – gospel is so special to me. I moved out to LA shortly after that when a friend heard my demo and said, “This is your destiny. You’re moving to LA.”
To be honest, I never thought I would share this story with the world because it was so far out there. I think the world has changed, though, or maybe just I have. The identity crisis is no more. It was such a beautiful process, sometimes absolutely terrifying. It integrated within me. It’s who I am.
KP: That’s so incredible. I’m so happy that you’re open to sharing it now – the world has changed a lot, and I think that so many people can benefit from hearing it.
You wrote your latest single, “Gravity,” after running into Lou Reed one afternoon, which is quite the inspiration. I have to hear this story…
MK: “Gravity” was based on a poem I wrote. In Brooklyn, an ex and I sat in his car on this beautiful night and blasted “Oh! Sweet Nuthin’.” It was a moment of presence and aliveness… “seven minutes of purring,” as I wrote in the poem. We had so many painful ups and downs.
Another ex of mine, Lou Reed was their favorite artist, too, and it was an epic failure of a relationship. It was so, so, so hard to let go of them. It seemed that everyone I would fall in love with loved Lou Reed, but I mean, who doesn’t?! Loaded is one of my favorite albums, but it seemed that if someone loved Lou Reed, it just naturally wouldn’t work out.
One day in the West Village, I was feeling quite devastated and down by the emotional roller coaster of my love life. I was getting off an elevator in a small building and crossed paths with Lou. It felt so surreal and bizarre. I just felt all my worlds, failures, these loves, these moments of awakenings, just crash into each other. They are beautiful moments with someone, yet they disappear.
I couldn’t fight it anymore, and I knew that whatever I was doing in my love life wasn’t working, so I just surrendered. I wrote the poem that “Gravity” is based on when I got home that afternoon. He passed away shortly after that.
KP: Wow, that’s kismet. The power of artists. Can you tell us about its development and production?
MK: It started as all piano and it lived like that for a while. It was a bit slower than the current record. It was very beautiful, but the music didn’t really fit with the feeling and essence of what I wanted to express. In the few months before its release, my producer, Aaron Kamin, and I worked on the music. I think we could probably work on it for another year – songs are never-ending. Is a song ever “finished?” A painting? A poem? At some point you just have to put the paintbrush down.
KP: As someone who painted, I feel that especially.
Your two singles prior to “Personal Jesus, “Hurt Me” and “Smoking Gun,” self-reflectively peer into your past relationships – against the backdrop of some production that I really love. Can you tell us a little more about both of them?
MK: “Smoking Gun” was my first single. Before I moved to LA, I was living in NY. I would write all the time, but I would have snippets of little lines and lyrics, pieces of melodies, scattered. One was “the truth lies in my bed.” When I came to LA, the song just flowed out in a different way, “and I don’t know what I’m willing to lose.” I really believe that some pieces of music come “early,” when they aren’t necessarily ready to become full songs, or if I haven’t lived the experience yet that the song will actually become about. This has happened with almost all of the songs that I've written. I think that music and creativity are phenomenons that transcend time and space. All the limitless creative possibilities are all here; it's just about when we’re open enough to receive them. So I would wake up with dreams of melodies and lyrics, not relating to them at all, and then a year later I’d live the experience. Finally, the song would fit perfectly, and all of the empty spaces would get filled in.
“Hurt Me” was a difficult song. I was going through a breakup, an on-and-off again – ugh, they are all like that! It’s honestly so hard for me to let go of someone, but my best friend – I admire her so much – the letting go process seems so easy for her. Well, I know that maybe it isn’t, but she moves through it in a way that I admire and sometimes even envy. “Breaking up is hard to do,” as the old song goes.
Anyway, I was trying to end it with someone and simultaneously get back together, but this doesn’t make sense at all. It’s clear that it wasn’t working. It needed some life breathed into the relationship, or it needed to just end, which it eventually did.
KP: I can relate! I went back to every single person I was ever with, except my current, who I hope and pray never becomes my ex! [Laughs].
What do you wish you knew about relationships before that you do now?
MK: I think that learning about attachment theory a few years ago changed the way that I experienced love and relationships – I definitely wish I knew about that earlier. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain.
After a very traumatic relationship, I went into a deep psychology study dive and learned everything that I could. I dove really deep into attachment theory, non-violent communication, radical acceptance, etc. Currently everyone I know comes to me as their relationship therapist, which is a blessing and a curse. I can see things very clearly, the nuances and subtleties – it’s exhausting and sometimes I just want to stay out of it, but it’s hard to control myself when I see a situation so clearly.
Richard Siken, my favorite poet, in one of his poems writes, “It isn’t fair, the depth of my looking, the threat of my looking. It’s rude to shake a man visibly and claim the results.” Sometimes people just have to live through whatever they are living through, including myself.
And as a side note, Siken’s book, CRUSH, is a life-changing book of feverish poetry on love, desire, and the intensity of it. It has a wild emotional drive. I recommend it.
KP: I totally relate to that. I’ve been known to have a killer, killer instinct – it honestly borders a little bit on ESP – so my friends are always coming to me for relationship advice because I always know how it’s already going to end. It’s been like that since I was a teenager. It’s a burden!
You are an ardent protector of animals, partnering with multiple foundations and shelters, including Animal Haven, the Animal Wellness Foundation, and the NYC Second Chance Rescue of New York. You’ve even helped rescue horses through the Spirit Run Equine in Texas.
Can you tell us about some of the work that you’ve done? What led you to become so passionate about animal rights?
MK: Animal rescue and advocacy has always given me purpose. When I was a teenager, I went through some deep depression and felt so alone. My dog was my best friend, and sometimes she and music were the only things that I was living for – they made me feel less alone. My connection with animals was something that I felt deeply in my heart – they didn't have a voice, and I wanted to help be their voice. My empathy for animals was, and is, so vast that it was so difficult for me to see them in pain. It has been a cause very close to my heart. No matter how bad I feel, I know that I can use my voice or whatever I can to help them. It’s the same with music – not only does it help process my own emotions, but I hope to use my voice and music to help others feel less alone, too. I hope that, out of my own dark moments, comes something that can bring comfort and connection to both people and animals.
Some examples of the work that I have done… When I was visiting Dharamsala, India, to study with monks and meet the Dalai Lama with the Zuckerberg Institute, I visited the local animal clinic run by Tibet Charity and met injured or sick dogs that were unable to live on the streets. There were beautiful, friendly stray dogs everywhere. The clinic has a small outdoor area for the patients, and I deeply connected with a three-legged dog named Momo. I worked with Tibet Charity and brought Momo and some of the dogs from the clinic as well as strays to be adopted in NY. I worked with Animal Haven in SoHo for the adoptions. Momo and the other dogs were adopted and are now living their best life. Kingsum, now named Rocky, is a three-legged shepherd mix that was adopted by the most amazing husbands. The life that they are giving Rocky is incredible – trips to Fire Island and Florida, matching pajamas, a blind dog brother, and a one-eyed cat sister. I could cry.
I also funded Tibet Charity's new generator and operating lights for their extensive spay and neuter program for the stray dogs. The power is constantly going out there – it would even go out in the middle of surgeries!
Another example… I was going through a bad breakup and couldn't get out of bed. I was doomscrolling, and someone posted about a horse being sold at auction, destined for unspeakable things. I stepped in, and she was transported to Spirit Run Equine Rescue, run by Angela Parnham, who is an incredible horse caretaker and rehabilitator. Luna was quarantined, and her paperwork was lost – we only knew that she was an ex-racehorse used for breeding for years and years and then abandoned. After a long recovery at Spirit Run, she is now living out her retirement in Longview, Texas, with the most amazing caretaker with true horsemanship. I visit her from time to time, but our connection isn't on the day-to-day; it's in the bigger picture. It's about knowing that she's living her best life, surrounded by her horse friends, and receiving the best care possible.
“Sometimes people just have to live through whatever they are living through, including myself.”
KP: All of that is so incredible. I think that animals can be the best teachers, sometimes even more so than humans. What is the greatest thing that they have taught you?
MK: In relationship attachment theory, if people have difficulty having healthy relationships and problems with negative self-talk, one point of advice is to look at the positive relationship role models in your life – whoever they are – but if you don’t have any, to look at your relationship with your pet. To listen to how you talk to your pet, without judgement, with unconditional love, telling them how perfect and lovable they are, and to apply that love and positive attention to yourself – to take in how they love you, with their loyalty and unconditional love… to use your relationship with your pet as your relationship role model. It sounds funny and bizarre, but when there are no positive role models for love in life, it can shift perspective.
KP: I really love that. For those of us who want to get more involved, what charities, shelters, or foundations do you most recommend?
MK: I would say to find your local accredited rescue and see how you can help out there. Most rescues are looking for volunteers to walk dogs, to socialize with cats, to help with cleaning, etc. Some have Amazon wish lists that you can gift things from. Maybe your neighbor adopted from a rescue, and you can get involved there, too. I think when in doubt, there is always the local ASPCA or the organizations mentioned above that I’m involved with.
KP: How do you define success? What’s next for you?
MK: For me, it’s about being the most authentic version of myself and connecting to the audience as honestly and as genuinely as possible. Staying true to myself as an artist and to my values is important. Of course, it’s also important that I love the music that I’m making as well as the performance that I’m giving, but even if I don't love it, it's honest, so therefore it is real. The honesty and authenticity for me is really about connection, above all else – feeling connected to myself and to the people listening as much as possible. And to be honest, not in my wildest dreams did I think that this is the path I would be on, so that to me is success in itself. I’m channeling this all into the new music I’m working on now that will be out soon.
KP: What do you feel makes a provocative woman?
MK: An untamed wildheart. A fearlessness and vulnerability.
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Photography: Amabelle Morning
